music

songs on repeat
• 夜紛い - ヨルシカ
• seraphim - BUCK-TICK

albums I listened to for the first time
• A Greater Bliss / Wordclock
• 十三階は月光 / BUCK-TICK
  favorites: DOLL, seraphim, ROMANCE -Incubo-, 夢魔 -The Nightmare-, DIABOLO -Lucifer-
• Twin Fantasy / Car Seat Headrest
• Voyage ~Sans Retour~ / MALICE MIZER
  favorites: 追憶の破片～A Piece Of Broken Recollection～, Premiere Amour, ～前兆～
• 四重人格 / GIRL TIQUE
• red curb / rei harakami
• GREEN / 吉村弘
• 密航 / 佐井好子
  favorites: 春, 人のいない島, 眠りのくに, 漂流船
• 萬花鏡 / 佐井好子
  favorite: 恋した人へ
• MOTTAINAI / YeYe
  favorite: ゆらゆら

 I listened to Voyage ~Sans Retour~ with my brother. It was nice.

reading

• (2日-8日) Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse, translated by Basil Creighton (updated by Joseph Mileck + Horst Frenz)

overview

text

music

songs on repeat
• january
  • 晴る - ヨルシカ
  • いさな - ヨルシカ
  • さよならモルテン - ヨルシカ
  • Ballad of the Windfish - daigoro789
  • Fading Kitten Syndrome - Roar
• february
  • 뿌요뿌요 - UP
• march
  • The Headmaster Ritual - The Smiths
  • I've Got All This Ringing In My Ears And None On My Fingers - Fall Out Boy
• april
  • リモコン - WONDERFUL★OPPORTUNITY!
  • 紫炎 - GRANRODEO
  • セツナの愛 - GRANRODEO
  • カナリヤ - GRANRODEO
• may
  • Just One Yesterday - Fall Out Boy (ft. Foxes)
  • 秋の手紙 - Lamp
  • 誘惑 - BUCK-TICK
  • ドレス - BUCK-TICK
• june
  • 僕は風 - 五つの赤い風船
  • 風がなにかを… - 五つの赤い風船
  • 遅咲きガール - 戸川純
  • ヘリクツBOY - 戸川純
• july
  • A World That's Ending - datfootdive
  • 成敗いたAAAAAす！ - WONDERFUL★OPPORTUNITY!
  • いにしえ - 日差し
• august
  • カルピスちゃん - 溶けない名前
  • Liebesleid - Sergei Rachmaninoff
  • 憂、燦々 - ヨルシカ
• september
  • Winter's House - Giles Corey
• october
  • 頑是ない歌 - ワールズ・エンド・ガールフレンド feat. Smany
  • 沙耶の唄 - いとうかなこ
  • A Break, A Pause - As Tall as Lions
  • summer - 和平和浪
• november
  • Wellwave - Lucid Express
  • Midnight Song - Wild Nothing
  • O Lilac - Wild Nothing
  • Hearts / Wires - Deftones
  • Phantom Bride - Deftones
  • THE WORLD REVOLVING - Toby Fox
• december
  • エーゲ海に捧ぐ〜the vault of heaven〜 - MALICE MIZER

reading

• january
  • Go by Kaneshiro Kazuki, translated by Nieda Takami
  • In the Lives of Puppets by TJ Klune
• february
  • Kitchen by Yoshimoto Banana, translated by Megan Backus
• may
  • Early Light by Dazai Osamu, translated by Donald Keene & Ralph McCarthy
• june
  • Self-Portraits by Dazai Osamu, translated by Ralph F. McCarthy
  • Schoolgirl by Dazai Osamu, translated by Allison Markin Powell
  • Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke, translated by Charlie Louth
• july
  • Territory of Light by Tsushima Yuuko, translated by Geraldine Harcourt
  • Snow Country by Kawabata Yasunari, translated by Edward G. Seidensticker
  • Return to Tsugaru: Travels of a Purple Tramp by Dazai Osamu, translated by James Westerhoven
  • Flowers of Buffoonery by Dazai Osamu, translated by Sam Bett
  • A Country Doctor's Notebook by Mikhail Bulgakov, translated by Michael Glenny
• october
  • Agitated Air: Poems after Ibn Arabi by Yasmine Seale & Robin Moger
  • Love Sonnets and Elegies by Louise Labé, translated by Richard Sieburth
  • Bungou Stray Dogs: BEAST by Asagiri Kafka & Harukawa 35
  • In the Shade of Spring Leaves: The Life of Higuchi Ichiyō, with Nine of Her Best Stories by Robert Lyons Danly
• november
  • Stories of Osaka Life by Oda Sakunosuke, translated by Burton Watson
  • A Woman of Pleasure by Murata Kiyoko, translated by Juliet Winters Carpenter
• december
  • See You Soon: Poems of Tomioka Taeko, translated by Hiroaki Sato

viewing

• january
  • Cowboy Bebop
  • After Life (1998)
• may
  • Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple (2018)
  • Bungou Stray Dogs season 1
  • Bungou Stray Dogs: STORMBRINGER stageplay
• june
  • Bungou Stray Dogs season 2
• july
  • Bungou Stay Dogs season 3
  • Bungou Stray Dogs season 4
  • Bungou Stray Dogs season 5
  • Sobakasu (2022)
• august
  • Spiderweb Castle (1957)
• december
  • His (2020)

music

songs on repeat
• エーゲ海に捧ぐ〜the vault of heaven〜 / MALICE MIZER

albums I listened to for the first time
• a fanatic socialist looked up at the stars… / a picture of her
• Floret / Lucid Express
• memoire / MALICE MIZER
   favorite: エーゲ海に捧ぐ〜the vault of heaven〜
• merveilles / MALICE MIZER
   favorites: ヴェル・エール 〜空白の瞬間の中で〜, Le ciel
• Feels Like You / Whirr

 This month technically isn't the first time I've listened to a MALICE MIZER album, according to my past self, but I had no memory of either of them so I'm counting it as the first time.
 I bought the 在りし日の声 album (what a relief!) and also picked up Muse's Absolution CD. I have all of the Muse CDs I wanted now, which is nice.
 Hoping to move away from using Spotify soon and start using a music player, but the task of getting four years worth of the music I've accumulated on my own is intimidating. Started ripping some CDs.

reading

• (?日-24日) See You Soon: Poems of Taeko Tomioka, translated by Hiroaki Sato

 Unable to commit; lack of focus.

viewing

• His (2020)

 I watched His with friends on the 1st. E*H was watching it for his senior capstone and invited us (me and H*K) over. We all agreed that it was pretty bad, but it was still pretty entertaining. Some of the court scenes made us all burst into laughter.
 I watched a lot of Jerma…

overview

 A month both long and short. I went between 3 states this month, and they were all rainy. Only at my family's house have I seen much sunlight.
 I was miserable this month. On the 15th, I went and found the original Japanese of the quote "Happiness will never come my way. I know that." and pinned it to my main notes folder on my phone; it's still at the very top.「明日もまた、同じ日が来るのだろう。幸福は一生、来ないのだ。それは、わかっている。けれども、きっと来る、あすは来る、と信じて寝るのがいいのでしょう。」Towards the end of the month, I even started to think about the part of the introduction in Snow Country where the translator calls Shimamura incapable of love because he is too distant, and: "He was conscious of an emptiness that made him see Komako’s life as beautiful but wasted, even though he himself was the object of her love; and yet the woman’s existence, her straining to live, came touching him like naked skin. He pitied her, and he pitied himself." Another month of knowing things and finding myself at a loss as to how to even begin changing them.
 Only small joys this month. Hanging out with my friends before I left was the highlight of my month. I got to see a little bit of snow in my father's hometown, and horses. (The horses I saw were attractions of a town I went to, and walked the same path over and over again throughout the entire day, attached to wagons that carry people around. They probably do that most days of their lives. I wondered what they might feel about it.) Spending time with my brother has been good. Seeing our cat again has been good. I bought cute earrings; I received the Chara/Kris long-sleeve; my father let me take some old clothes he no longer wears; I was given a necklace with a pearl on it and a silver bracelet. I also was given a cute Yoshi sticker and the Japanese grammar dictionary trilogy, which I was very happy about. I bought Fields of Mistria on the 25th and have been playing it avidly: as of writing this, I finished the first day of fall and have some 20 hours logged. (I gave Balor the star brooch for the festival—when I started the game, I loved Valen the instant I saw her, but I like her dynamic with Juniper too much, and they probably won't introduce Player-Valen-Juniper polyamory…. I've also been giving Celine and Reina a lot of gifts, but ultimately I thought Balor's mind-change about Eiland's game was really sweet, so I especially like him for now.) The only game I really have to compare it to is Stardew Valley, and it's safe to say I love FoM immeasurably more. I never got past winter of the first year in SDV, but I can honestly see myself getting way past that in FoM. I like the characters a lot. Also as of writing this (the 29th), I've done vocabulary study for 9 days in a row. I'm really happy I've kept up with it. I stopped putting on a timer when I do it, which has helped immensely. I'm hoping to eventually integrate readings from the grammar dictionaries into daily study, as well, but just doing the vocabulary is good too. Lastly, not so much a joy but simply a positive: I had my medication management appointment on the 28th, finally, and though I hated the appointment I did get put back on medication. I will be picking it up this upcoming week.
 Everything else about my month was not good. I hated the visit to my father's hometown: interacting with my relatives is and was nothing less than uncomfortable. I hate sharing a room with my father as much as ever. The drive to my family's home, over 10 hours, was immensely uncomfortable. I played my rock playlist and Jerma streams in the car. I wished terrible things upon my "mother" the first time I heard her again (was hidden under my father's robe and when she started going on, both my father and I knew to not reveal I was there), and every single other time I've seen her has also caused discomfort, at the very least, if not more. Lots of anger-inducing interactions with my father, as usual. Disaster with my laptop. And, in general: misery and disappointment and resentment and envy. ("All I felt was hate. Pure hatred. Hatred for not the enemy but the world itself.") Theme of this month: want.

music

songs on repeat
• Wellwave - Lucid Express
• Midnight Song - Wild Nothing
• O Lilac - Wild Nothing
• Hearts / Wires - Deftones
• Phantom Bride - Deftones
• THE WORLD REVOLVING - Toby Fox

albums I listened to for the first time
• Nocturne / Wild Nothing
   favorites: Shadow, Midnight Song
• Gemini / Wild Nothing
   favorite: O Lilac
• Empty Estate / Wild Nothing
• Gore / Deftones
   favorite: Hearts / Wires, Phantom Bride
• Hurtbreak Wonderland / world's end girlfriend
   favorite: breath or castle ballad / コルチャックと亡命
• LAST WALTZ / world's end girlfriend
• illuminate / Smany

 I listened to Nocturne on the 6th. Listened to it closer than any album I have in a while. Every song made me slightly nauseous, for some reason Midnight Song in particular.
 I relistened to Nine Inch Nails' Pretty Hate Machine in full for the first time since, well, I listened to it for the first time. I discovered that The Only Time is a banger.

reading

• (27日-29日) Stories of Osaka Life by Oda Sakunosuke, translated by Burton Watson
• (29日) A Woman of Pleasure by Murata Kiyoko, translated by Juliet Winters Carpenter
• (29日) Dying to Tell: Sexuality and Suicide in Imperial Japan by Jennifer Robertson

 I picked up a lot of books this month and then put them straight back down. I couldn't commit to anything until the last week, as seen by my list above.

overview

 This month was short for me. It felt like it rained every single day, but on this last day, it was beautifully clear. For the past week or two, it's been cold enough most days to see your own breath even in the afternoon. I've started wearing my scarf again, and because the heating in my dorm doesn't work, I wear gloves even to bed. The only time I take them off is when I feel like they're in the way of doing stuff with my hands or when I go to the bathroom.
 This month I was in an energy upswing (of my sort), but it didn't really translate into anything good. My mind was constantly racing, but I couldn't get anything I needed to (schoolwork) done. During the last week I cleaned my dorm for I think the first time since the end of September, and over the last few days of the month I read two books and an article about lesbian suicides in imperial Japan. I always felt like I had to be doing something, but actually committing to anything paralysed me; everything felt insurmountable. My sleep was even poorer than usual because of all this. But I spent good time with my friends this month. I also broke off a friendship that was simply not enjoyable and not bringing me any happiness. It was the first time I actually sent a message instead of just blocking them everywhere (though I did still block them after sending it). Tomorrow (December 1st) will have been a week since I ended it. I've also finally committed to transferring away from my university. What shape that decision will end up taking, I don't know yet, but I decided that if I have the chance to mitigate the regrets I know I will have if I stay here, I should take it if I can. I hope it leads me to something more fulfilling and more aligned with my goals than what I'm doing now.
 I bought a Midori grid notebook this month and have started using it to journal. It's resulted in me coming to new understandings about myself and why I do what I do. It doesn't make anything easier, but at least I know. I've continued thinking this month, like I always do, about loneliness, friendship, writing, and reading. Understanding things, knowing them, doesn't translate itself into action.
 This month was nothing but a huge blur for me, so I can't think of anything else to say. Right now I'm just looking forward to being done with all of my classes this semester for good.

music

songs on repeat
• 頑是ない歌 - ワールズ・エンド・ガールフレンド feat. Smany
• 沙耶の唄 - いとうかなこ
• A Break, A Pause - As Tall as Lions
• summer - 和平和浪

albums I listened to for the first time
• As Tall as Lions / As Tall as Lions
• At night, a beautiful soul laments / Aiko Kono
• cats in the cold / mage tears
• 安福大厅 / 和平和浪
• 香港是個大商場 / my little airport
• 삐에로는 우릴 보고 웃지 / 김완선
• Saosin / Saosin
• In Search of Solid Ground / Saosin
• MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS / MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS
• ワールドイズユアーズ / MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS
• ゼロコンマ、色とりどりの世界 / MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS
• No New World / MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS
• Awakening:Sleeping / MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS
• Lucid Express / Lucid Express

 in general, I also listened a lot to the album「在りし日の声 Voices of Days Past」from world's end girlfriend and Vampillia (discovered at the end of September), as well as the 沙耶の唄 soundtrack. I went to a Lamp concert; they performed 2 of my favorite songs.
 I listened to an 8 hour playlist entitled simply "chinese shoegaze". I had a conversation with someone about learning Chinese (particularly Cantonese and Mandarin), and was reminded again of my desire to start learning Mandarin at some point, so I decided to find a playlist with Chinese music (of any 'branch' of Chinese). I enjoyed it.
 I listened to the MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS albums because two blogs I follow mentioned their music. I listened to them all while writing my letter reply on the 27th (it ended up being 9 pages), so I didn't pay as much attention as I may have otherwise, but I did enjoy them. While writing that letter I also listened to the album 삐에로는 우릴 보고 웃지; I actually listened to it before I started the マスドレ albums.

reading

• Agitated Air: Poems After Ibn Arabi by Yasmine Seale & Robin Moger
• (5日-7日) Love Sonnets and Elegies by Louise Labé, translated by Richard Sieburth
• (9日-30日) In the Shade of Spring Leaves: The Life of Higuchi Ichiyō, With Nine of Her Best Stories by Robert Lyons Danly
• (16日) Bungou Stray Dogs: BEAST by Asagiri Kafka

overview

 This month was a little busy for me.
 This month it truly turned to autumn. At the beginning of the month, it was still warm enough that I could wear tank-tops outside, and none of the trees were turning, it rained rarely. Towards the latter part of the month, though, suddenly the temperatures dropped—the average high nowadays is between 10-14C—and the trees turned. Beneath the larger trees on campus, there's piles of fallen leaves, and it was cloudy nearly every day for the last week and a half, maybe, of the month. Even with the days where the sky cleared up in the afternoon, there still wasn't a day it didn't rain at least a little. There were a few separate times where I was walking to class and then looked around myself, at the trees and the sky, and realised that it's really autumn now.
 I did quite a lot this month. There was the Lamp concert, my birthday, a doctor's appointment, the advising meeting which turned me into a double major of Japanese and History, and the lecture I went to in the city. I got my passport in the mail and I voted. I decided to stay logged off of my social media on my phone, which is going well, and am currently trying out only using it on my laptop on the weekends. I spent a lot of time with friends: the pumpkin carving at E*H and W*A's apartment, going to their hometown for the weekend, the revolving sushi for M*C's birthday, the various days I spent time with S*K, going out with classmates on the last day of the month. Talked to J*C a few times over text as well, each time for at least an hour. The letter from R.
 There were various things on my mind this month. Study abroad and my Japanese level; my friendship with that person and my feelings about it all; loneliness and my relationships with other people; wanting to write, wanting to write, wanting to write.